the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
