Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
