Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
