this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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