So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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