Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
