So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
