talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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