She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
