The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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