I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize