i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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