he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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