why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
