Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
