Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
