my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Man, jail baloney is awful.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
