the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
