glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
