Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
