I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
