I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
