the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize