can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
