just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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