the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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