You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
