I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
