happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
