I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
