what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
