Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
