Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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