Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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