i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
