have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
