You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
