Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
