I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
