What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
