totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
