I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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