No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
