I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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