so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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