So many bounce houses so little time
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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