Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
