Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
