2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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