Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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