I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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