I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
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