just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
