Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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