i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
