we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
