After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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