I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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